struggles

So I have all these thoughts swimming in my head and they probably won't fit in one post. Also, this might be rambling or scattered, but hopefully I can get all my thoughts and feelings out. :)

So moving is a struggle. Not past tense, I am over it and we are completely settled 5 months in, but still sometimes a daily emotional struggle. The only thing that didn't change was my roommate and He's here to stay ;). Job switch was o.k. and actually went very smoothly. Once I got over the sheer magnitude of the Vanderbilt campus I felt fine. I am confident in my previous training and nursing abilities and was blessed with awesome coworkers who are crazy and weird like me and beyond. 

Loneliness is the worst feeling. I have been sad before, but never at this level. There are days were I wonder why I should get out of bed at all, because I have no where to go and nothing to accomplish. All the lies that the enemy whispers in your ear when all you want is a friend to talk to brought me to some pretty low points. I felt insecure and unworthy of the love of my husband or the love of God. Luckily I have a wonderful God in heaven who loves me and a spirit inside who helps me detect those pesky lies and realize the truth that God is trying to speak into my heart. That doesn't mean they don't hurt, I just know that God never sees me in that light. I am His Beloved, He is mine. But the enemy has definitely tried to take advantage of my vulnerable spots lately, trying desperately to tear me down and derail me. 

My solution for this problem was church. Sounds like a good one right? Find the right one, get involved in a small group and everything will fall in place right? It's not as easy as it sounds. Friendships aren't made overnight and you can only get out what you put in. Back in Statesboro, I volunteered Saturday morning for set-up, Sunday to teach elementary school kids and help tear down after. Oh yeah, and we had small group on Friday nights too. It was hard work and some days I didn't want to, but I was fed so much and made many lasting relationships by working alongside other people. It hasn't been so easy here. There are many excuses as to why I haven't started volunteering, but none of them are very good. 

Unfortunately, unlike my last job where I was off every Sunday, now I work multiple Sundays throughout the month. The last month and a half the only sermons I listened to were via podcast and the only worship experiences I have had were either listening to the radio in the car, or on my iPhone while jogging. I am not trying to devalue these things, in fact, they have kept me moving forward and given me hope. However, there is something to be said about coming together as a group and participating in these things; praying, worshipping, serving and learning together, being able to lift each other up and having people nearby to call up in a time of struggle. This is what I am longing for. This is what I'm struggling to find. This is the first time I have ever really noticed all the things about "church" that I don't agree with. Not the church that Jesus intended, but what we call "church" that isn't always doing it's job. But that is definitely another post. 

God is sustaining me here. I honestly don't know how people go about life without him.

-Cas